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  ‘Oh, Teddy, I feel it too – your presence has thrust something enormous into my life. I was just trying to save you from those bullies who were picking on you.’

  He smiled sweetly in preparation for the fade at the end of the scene, but I had more to say. ‘Actually, about those bullies. Why were you letting them pick on you? After all, you are a super-powerful vampire, aren’t you?’

  His face froze with shock. ‘Heffa, you’ve uncovered my terrible secret. My goodness, how ever did you guess?’

  I sighed. I’d have to draw him a frickin’ picture.

  chapter 6

  * * *

  coming clean

  We drove in silence while I thought about what to say. Was I ready to let Teddy hear what was in my heart? The only person I’d ever really opened up to before was my mother, but we were flesh and blood, and talking to her was easy. We were so close that I could say anything to her, no matter how difficult: ‘I need money for expensive make-up’; ‘you’re too old to wear that top’; ‘your new boyfriend was checking me out’. Nothing was off-limits between us, and she always listened, no matter how hard the truths I spoke.

  Could Teddy and I have that sort of relationship? The blood racing through my veins told me I must do my best to open up to him in the same way. He and I were surely meant for each other, no matter how wide the gap between us seemed. Why else would we be together on all the billboards? But still, me an ordinary teenager and him a ghastly parasite from the wrong side of the grave … How could this ever work? We needed to talk.

  ‘I guess we need to talk,’ I immediately vocalized.

  Teddy flinched. ‘It’s late, and you should be getting home. I’ll just see you round school sometime, yeah?’

  ‘No, Teddy, I’m not ready for bed this early in the chapter. Besides, if you’re feeling anything like me right now, then you need to let what’s inside of you out, before you burst open. Honestly, I don’t think I can wait until tomorrow.’

  We sped on. The wind blew my dark, silky locks this way and that, while Teddy’s neatly parted hair remained as motionless as his face.

  After what seemed like an eternity, he spoke, without looking at me: ‘Very well. You are right, we have much to discuss, some of it difficult. Up ahead is a place I’ve heard the kids in school talk about; its name suggests we might find it a suitable place for an illuminating conversation. Inspiration Point, they call it.’

  That sounded like just the right spot to me, so I nodded enthusiastically. Hopefully I would be able to think of a kind way to tell him that his shirt clashed with his jacket. The light was growing dim, and Teddy flicked his headlights on. I watched the white lines disappear beneath us, trying to decide where to start. Should I admit my feelings straight away? Should we cover the whole undying fiend business first? The shirt? Come on, Inspiration Point, work your magic!

  Teddy turned onto a dirt road that wound gently uphill. The trees closed in on either side of the car, but after a few hundred yards, we entered a large, flat clearing on the edge of the cliff. On three sides it was fringed by trees and thick bushes, but where the ground fell away, there was a spectacular view of the countryside below. Spatula lay small and insignificant in the distance, and the lights of Main Street winked on as I watched.

  We were not the only ones in the clearing. A dozen or so cars were dotted about, not all next to one another like in a parking lot, but spread out across the entire clearing, as if their drivers had deliberately parked as far from one another as possible. I assumed the cars were occupied as no one was standing outside, but the windows of almost all of them were fogged up, so it was impossible to be sure.

  Some of the cars rocked gently from side to side. Their rhythmic motions, combined with the picturesque view, made for a magical scene. The tension I had been feeling slipped away, and I was instilled instead with an unexpected sense of nervous anticipation. I relaxed in my seat and uncrossed my legs.

  Teddy looked over at me with an expression that I hadn’t seen before. I imagined, hopefully, that he was trying to decide where the best place to park might be, but his next words made me realize this was far from the truth.

  ‘Well, the view is quite nice, I suppose, if no better than in many other locations, but there’s a scent in the air here that’s making me feel … peculiar. Peculiar and violent,’ he confessed. ‘It’s best if we leave, it’s far too crowded for a serious private conversation.’

  He put the car in reverse and turned around, heading back down the dirt track. I slumped in my seat, arms folded. This was starting to feel awkward. Relationships were so tough, why couldn’t it be simple like when we first met? I sighed loudly, and Teddy’s brow creased pensively.

  Then he snapped his long, hard fingers. ‘I know exactly where we can be alone to talk! I’m sure there won’t be anyone there at this hour, and it’s only a short drive away, very secluded: perfect.’

  He gunned his engine and we sped off back towards town. A few minutes later, he was leading me excitedly along a narrow, tree-lined path. ‘It’s up ahead, just try not to trip and break your neck for a few more seconds.’

  We emerged into an open space. It was nearly full dark now, but in the soft, evocative moonlight, I could see several oddly shaped structures. Some were slender and loomed overhead, while others sat squat on the ground. As I squinted to make them out, Teddy turned to face me with a triumphant expression on his face.

  ‘Welcome to the playground, Heffa!’

  As soon as he said it, I realized what I was looking at. There was a jungle gym, swings, a climbing frame, a see-saw. It was a playground all right.

  ‘I thought you were taking me to some secret magical vampire meadow or something, Teddy. Honestly, a playground? Are you seven years old or something? What are we doing here?’

  He looked taken aback. ‘I … I thought you’d like it, Heffa. This is a very special place to me. Look, they’ve got swings and everything.’

  ‘Well, it’s quiet at least, but I’ve never really seen the appeal of fun. I’ve always preferred to concentrate on intense brooding. I thought we had that in common – you do like to brood, don’t you?’

  ‘Oh, of course, no question at all, love the brooding. But being a vampire isn’t all about meaningful stares and soul-searing torment. We like to have fun with our powers, too. I’ll show you.’

  Teddy ran off towards the swings. As he gathered speed, he seemed to disappear and was replaced by a dark blur of pure motion. It raced from one piece of playground equipment to the next. He swung high on the swings, higher than I had ever seen anyone go before, and then the next second he was on the parallel bars, spinning round and round so fast that I felt dizzy watching-him. All the while he was laughing – a simple, joyful giggle that was as beautiful to my ears as the sound of Tori Amos covering a Mozart song.

  My head was reeling, but I couldn’t look away from his vampire gymnastics. His speed was incredible. That was how he had saved me from that giant penis! If I’m totally honest, the special effects looked very cheap and weren’t that convincing, but it was nothing an increased budget for the sequel couldn’t fix. I was overwhelmed and sat down on the roundabout, pushing my hands against my eyes to block out the pretty.

  The next thing I knew, Teddy was sitting next to me, grinning. He wasn’t out of breath, despite his exertions. I like a man with stamina. Come to think of it, he didn’t seem to be breathing at all.

  ‘Teddy, that was amazing. I can think of a few physical jerks we could try and do together. Shall I slide closer and show you now?’

  His face became serious once more. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about these sudden mood swings. ‘Heffa, I think we have more important things to discuss than calisthenics.’

  Did vampires sweat? I wondered. He didn’t seem sweaty, but maybe he just hadn’t pushed himself hard enough. I bet there was something we could do about that …

  ‘Heffa Lump!’ His piercing magenta eyes regarded me impatiently.

  �
��Oh right, the vampire thing. We should probably cover that before doing anything else, shouldn’t we?’

  ‘Yes, Heffa, we probably should. I don’t know exactly how you figured it out, but you are right. I am a vampire.’

  ‘And your siblings, Jack and Bobbi, are they vampires too? And your father?’

  He nodded.

  ‘I’m confused, though. You aren’t anything like the vampires Mr. Wellbord taught us about. You aren’t very scary at all, for one thing, and since when do vampires have super-speed and walk around in the daytime?’

  ‘It’s simple. The kind of vampires you’re thinking about are from other, more exciting stories. Stories of life and death, man versus eternal evil, that sort of thing. We Kelledys prefer to live a peaceful life, hanging around and pouting rather than getting involved in anything interesting or expensive to film. That’s how we’ve always lived, until you came along. Now, I don’t exactly know what kind of story I’m in any more. I think it might be … a love story.’

  I threw my arms around him. He was hard in my grasp, harder than Hulk Hogan’s biceps. ‘Oh Teddy, it is, it is a love story, I feel it too. We’re going to be together forever, like Romeo and Juliet!’

  ‘Um, hopefully not exactly like them.’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘You didn’t finish reading it yet, did you?’

  ‘No, and don’t you go spoiling the ending for me, thank you very much. I read the part where they kiss, though. Kiss me, Teddy, my lips yearn for your touch.’

  He pulled away from me and stood. ‘No, Heffa, I can’t. This is wrong, our love can never be!’

  ‘What, why, what are you saying? Is it me? Is it because I’m so plain and ordinary? Is it because I’m fat? Is it my pants? It’s my pants, isn’t it, they make my ass look fat, don’t they? I knew it, I knew my mom was lying. That bitch, I never should have bought the stupid pants. Stupid, stupid.’

  ‘No, no, it’s not you, it’s me. You aren’t ordinary, you are fascinating. And you aren’t plain, you’re utterly beautiful.’

  (Ha, I knew it!)

  He held out his hands, and I stood, taking them in mine.

  ‘And your ass,’ he continued, ‘your ass is the very acme of callipygian. But I’m a vampire, Heffa. A blood-crazed fiend from beyond the vale of death. I was born to kill, and I enjoy it. You saw what happened back at the library. It’s too dangerous for you to be anywhere near me. I could snap and go on a kill-crazy rampage at any time. In fact, I want to punch you in the face right now.’

  I fell into his arms. ‘Oh Teddy, I get that all the time! I don’t care about the risks, we are meant to be, and we’re going to be together forever, like Ben and Jerry!’

  ‘Yes … forever …’ He sounded worried.

  ‘What is it, my love, don’t you want us to be together forever?’

  ‘Oh, I do, I’m very powerfully drawn to you. I don’t know why, perhaps it’s because you’re the narrator? But we are from different worlds. I might look like a toned and muscular teenager, but I have been the same age for years, and will be the same age long after you are dust. Vampires do not age, Heffa, and humans do.’

  This had not occurred to me. Crap. ‘How old are you?’

  He sat me down again. ‘I have been a vampire for a long time, but I was born human, many, many years ago, back in … 1979.’

  ‘Thirty?! My God, you’re thirty! That’s totally old – ancient, even. Ooh, I feel a bit queasy just thinking about it.’

  He turned away from me. I put my hand on his shoulder. ‘It doesn’t matter. I want to be with you, Teddy Kelledy. I’ll drop out of the Academy; I’ll stop trying to become more grown-up; I’ll stay seventeen, and we can be together forever.’

  He spun round to face me, his beautiful face and deep terracotta eyes bearing a mystified expression. ‘Seventeen? You’re … seventeen? Wow, I had no idea. From the way you act with people, I thought you were much youn …’ he trailed off. What was he driving at, precisely? ‘Um, I think it’s best if you stay in school, for all our sakes. I mean, your studies are important, I wouldn’t forgive myself if you lost out on opportunities for much-needed personal growth because of me.’

  ‘Oh, okay, how about this, then – you could turn me into a vampire. From what I’ve seen, it looks basically fine; it certainly suits you, anyway. Then I would stop ageing, and we could be together forever.’

  Teddy drifted away from me, over to the swings. He lent moodily against the frame, his head resting on his arm. It’s always important to break up a long dialog scene by moving around the set. After a moment, he spoke again.

  ‘I already told you, we Kelledys are different from other vampires. Despite the terrible curse we endure, we’ve trained ourselves to rein in our homicidal urges. Well, mostly. We live peacefully among you meat-sacks, er, I mean, humans. We don’t drink from you, except maybe the occasional hobo whom no one will miss. We study hard, we go hiking; we’re members of the Sierra Club, actually. We even offset the carbon emissions of our sports cars. We’re … sensitive.’

  ‘A sensitive vampire? Oh my God, you mean like Angel? He’s amazing! Do you fight crime as well?’

  Teddy frowned, walked back to the roundabout where I sat, and moved his face close to mine. ‘I don’t know who this “Angel” person is. I have never heard of him, and I have certainly not watched his DVDs for inspiration about how best to stalk young human girls.

  ‘Now, where was I? Ah, yes. You see, we’re sensitive and good, but normal vampires are utterly different. They like long leather coats and tacky silver jewelry, and they live to hunt humans and drink their blood.’

  ‘Like Spike?’

  ‘Stop talking about the TV series I have definitely never ever seen and which has not influenced Stephfordy Mayo in the slightest, all right?’

  He was looking quite scary now, so I moved on. ‘Those goths! They were vampires too, weren’t they? Is that why they grabbed me like that, to make me a vampire?’ The thought made me feel excited, and also strangely violated.

  ‘No, they weren’t vampires – merely hangers-on, the servants of vampires. Their presence in Spatula in such large numbers is disturbing. There may be another vampire coven in town. I should discuss that with Bobbi; she is wise and often knows things. I was trying to ignore them, in my peaceful way, but when they threatened you, I had to act.’

  ‘You totally killed them all; you’re not exactly Gandhi, are you?’

  ‘I know, but goths are pure evil, and I couldn’t risk you becoming like them.’

  ‘Oh Teddy, you say the sweetest things.’

  I hugged him again, and he held me. I closed my eyes and we stood like that for a long time. My legs were made of jelly, and my heart was beating hard enough for both of us. I knew at that moment that I was in love with Teddy Kelledy, in love unequivocally and irre-co, iverrocab, verroca … 4 eva.

  Eventually, I became aware of a light in my eyes. I opened them, and saw the sun rising over the tops of the trees.

  ‘Look, we’ve talked all night. In keeping with this romantic mood, it looks like it’s going to be a nice day for once: the sun is coming up.’

  ‘The sun?’ He shoved me away from him. ‘Heffa, I know it’s been a long night, and you already have a great deal to think about, but I’m afraid it’s not over yet. I know everyone at school has been talking about why the Kelledys are absent on sunny days – well, prepare yourself, this is why!’

  Teddy Kelledy stood with his arms outstretched in the very center of the playground as the sun climbed above the tree line. As the rays of morning light streamed down on him, something amazing happened. The back of his pants began to glow, and then a blinding beam of sparkling light burst forth from between his butt cheeks. I bathed in its glow like it was a pure golden shower.

  ‘My God, the sun totally shines out of your ass!’ I exclaimed, struggling to catch my breath as my womanly parts did excitable backflips in my groin.

  ‘Yes, it does. It’s not enough that I’m ta
ll and pretty and sensitive and a super-powered killing machine, Stephfordy Mayo didn’t want there to be any doubt at all about how awesome I am.’

  ‘You are, Teddy, you’re awesome. Take me, take me!’

  His sky-blue eyes showed shock at my boldness. ‘Take you, Heffa? My goodness, I shall, I shall take you home immediately. We’ve been out all night, your father is sure to be worried!’

  Before I could protest, he ran straight at me and tucked me under his arm like I was the morning paper. We were back at the car in seconds, and he plopped me unceremoniously in the passenger seat as he rushed to put up the convertible’s roof, anxious for sanctuary from the rising sun.

  By the time we pulled up outside my house a few minutes later, the golden orb had disappeared behind cloud and the sky had returned to its usual, overcast pallor. As Teddy and I stood on my porch, my brain buzzed with everything that had happened since I left the house yesterday morning. Was it all true or was it a dream? Had Teddy really killed those people? Could he possibly feel for me what I felt for him? I had to know.

  ‘Kiss me, Teddy, I need you to prove you love me.’

  ‘I do, I truly do.’

  He kissed me then, and the camera spun around us dramatically. His lips were as cold as ice, and as hard as, erm, ice. His touch was the most incredible sensation I had ever felt. I needed more. I rubbed my hand softly up and down the crotch of his jeans. He was back in his car almost before I realized he’d stopped kissing me.

  ‘Urgh, yuk, you put your tongue in my mouth! Gross, Heffa, what the heck did you do that for?’

  ‘It’s something lovers do!’ I protested. ‘We are lovers, right? Or, you know, soon …’

  I pouted hopefully at him, but he merely regarded me with that same expression of simple, confused terror.

  ‘Aargh, I’m gonna go if you’re going to be unhygienic. See you at school, bye!’