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  We leaned on each other going up the stairs, since for some reason my legs were a bit wobbly, so when Teddy suddenly appeared and yanked Joe away from me, I almost fell over. ‘Hey!’

  ‘I cannot believe you would stoop so low,’ Teddy scowled at me, and I felt my heart break. Teddy was scowling at me, he hated me, how could I have been so foolish as to think for one moment that any of this was real?

  ‘What business is it of yours, Teddy Kelledy?’ Joe asked.

  ‘Who asked you, Joe Cahontas?’

  ‘You’re not the boss of Heffa, Teddy Kelledy.’

  ‘Well, neither are you, Joe Cahontas.’

  I watched, fascinated. Suddenly, I realized: Teddy didn’t hate me, he was just insanely jealous that I was with another man! Just like boyfriends should be – he did care for me, after all. And what with the full names, the testosterone, and the bulging muscles, maybe they were actually going to have a duel!

  ‘Guys,’ I said, quietly, ‘you don’t need to fight over little ol’ me. You know, unless you really want to …’

  ‘It is not just about you, Heffa,’ Teddy snapped. ‘His father owes my father five hundred dollars for their last meat bill.’

  ‘The meat was rotten,’ Joe rejoined.

  ‘Good enough for dogs,’ Teddy said meanly.

  I fanned myself. This was really dramatic; there was a family feud, two men in love with one woman … all the elements of a long-running soap opera or an Isabel Allende book. I made a mental note to talk Professor Telenovela into letting me graduate his ‘Melodrama’ class early. If he said no, I was sure Teddy would rip his arms off for me.

  ‘I’m not going to fight you,’ Joe said. ‘I don’t want to upset Heffa. Anyway, it won’t matter once The Reshuffle happens, you and your chiseling family will be dust.’

  Darn, I thought, cursing his earthy, low-class nobility. Watching them wrestle would have been brilliant, especially if they were naked, which I was sure I’d have managed to arrange somehow. I wondered what The Reshuffle was, it sounded vaguely familiar, but it was probably just some male thing I didn’t need to worry myself about.

  ‘Are you all right, Heffa?’ Teddy asked me once Joe had left. ‘He didn’t bruise you with his clumsy paws and bad manners?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ I said. ‘Joe’s an okay kid, but he can’t hold a candle to the flaming fire of what I feel for you. Honestly, you don’t need to doubt me, I will be yours forever, or at least until someone better comes along. But that’s not likely.’

  ‘I just want to keep you safe,’ he muttered. ‘It is already dangerous for you to be around me, the least I can do is make sure nothing else harms you.’

  Teddy took my arm and we strolled down the corridor together.

  ‘Nothing will ever come between us,’ I reminded him. ‘We have all the time in the world.’ My mind drifted into a reverie, years and years of waking up with Teddy, of him watching out for me, with his large horn and his strong arms. I shook myself out of it as we sat side by side on a bench by the school entrance. ‘Maybe for now we should take it slow, I don’t want to rush into anything. Maybe just some oral to begin with.’

  ‘Just talking?’

  ‘Yeah, or that.’ I smiled up at him. It was probably a good idea to get to know each other, likes and dislikes and so on, before we moved our relationship forward, since we hadn’t really spoken about anything other than his vampire problem and our deep feelings. ‘So, tell me, what’s your favorite position?’

  ‘I do not really care for baseball, but I have always fancied myself a good catcher,’ Teddy said. He leaned into me and frowned prettily at all the other students who were daring to cross my line of vision. I realized getting to know each other was going to take longer than I’d thought. Nevertheless, we still had pages and pages to go, so that was fine. ‘I want to know everything about you, Heffa, everything about your special, fragile, breakable soul. I have no idea where to start. What’s your favorite ice-cream flavor?’

  I had to confess I was expecting something more profound; it seemed a bit abrupt to go from soulmates, death and danger to my preferred type of dairy product. But then I had skipped ‘Romantic Dialog’, after all; perhaps this was how these conversations should go. ‘Anything but vanilla. What are your hobbies?’

  ‘Apart from hunting, fantasizing about biting into your tender lily of a neck and taking pictures of you for my collection, I write poetry and contemplate the agonies of existence. Who’s your favorite writer?’

  ‘Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolf, Emily Brontë – they really speak to me as a sensitive woman, you know? Plus, there’s this autobiography by some woman called “O” which was pretty inspiring.’

  I gazed yearningly into his eyes some more, while we both collected our thoughts. This question-and-answer session was amazing. I was getting such an insight into his deep, thoughtful nature, and he into mine. I wished that it would go on for at least three chapters.

  ‘I’m usually better with being the silent, strong type,’ Teddy confessed, ‘but with you there seems to be no end to the questions I wish to ask. Do you prefer Coca-Cola or Pepsi?’

  ‘Pepsi; I always go for the less obvious choice, it’s part of what makes me so intriguing. What’s your favorite film?’

  ‘Psycho and American Psycho are both great,’ Teddy said, looking wistful. ‘And Deranged was pretty good, too. What’s yours?’

  ‘Interview with the Vampire,’ I smiled teasingly at him, and then frowned at a sound on the breeze that was interrupting my concentration. ‘Hey, can you hear that?’

  ‘What? Sorry, what did you say?’ Teddy spoke up, but the noise of lush strings was beginning to drown out his voice.

  ‘Can you hear that music?’ I yelled, but Teddy just shook his head in confusion as the incidental background score grew louder around us. He seemed to be growing murkier, more indistinct.

  For a moment, I panicked, but then I realized what was going on. Stephfordy Mayo had cruelly decided to cut short our conversation by covering it with the soundtrack and fading into a new scene. I couldn’t believe her nerve. Just when Teddy and I finally had a chance to connect, to find out every last detail about each other, to discuss whether he’d be able to sneak into my bedroom after dark to explore our inner natures, she had decided that our conversation was skippable. I knew I would never recover from the insult.

  On the other hand, jumping to a later scene would bring the moment of consummation ever closer, so perhaps it wasn’t that bad to get on with things. I lay back and abandoned myself to the camera’s slow withdrawal.

  chapter 9

  * * *

  eating out

  ‘That was the best week of my life!’ I said precisely a week later, as I stared down from the pinnacle of Spatula’s only phone mast. Teddy was perched atop it, and I was clinging to him. I’d thought he’d meant something different when he’d announced he was ‘taking me to heights I’d never known before’, and the view was hardly inspiring, but it gave me a warm feeling to know I was literally looking down on everyone else in town.

  It’s a shame that the fast-paced whirlwind of this narrative won’t allow me to go into detail about the many things we did that week, the jokes we shared, the hours of scintillating discourse, but you’ll just have to take my word for it. Teddy and I were soulmates, and that was all there was to it. I’d even had several thoughts that were solely about him. My maturity was increasing by the hour.

  ‘I’ve been thinking,’ Teddy commented. His cherubic face was solemn and still like a carved statue on a cathedral – not a gargoyle, though, an angelic one. ‘I’ve spent a long time contemplating this moment, and I think it’s time. I have to ask.’

  I closed my eyes. Was it finally time for him to pop the question? Or other things? I clutched tighter to his strong thighs and waited.

  ‘Will you have dinner with my family?’ he blurted out.

  I was so excited that I couldn’t speak. I was sure Teddy’s family had totally classy ev
enings out, and it was a sign they wanted me included! Soon I would be able to abandon my own, sadly Z-list background and join the world of the stars.

  Teddy must have interpreted my silence as reluctance, however, for he went on: ‘I’m aware it’s a rite of passage, it says so in all the Judy Blume books, but I feel we’re ready to take that step.’

  I put aside thoughts of other sorts of passages things might pass through. ‘I would love to dine with your family – as long as no one eats me!’ I blinked hopefully at him, but he merely slid us down the large pole.

  I knew his family was important to him – though less important than me, obviously – so I would do my best to be kind to them. Of course, once Teddy turned me into a vampire, we’d all be one big happy family anyway. They were bound to like me, I was so self-sacrificing I was practically standing at an open window in a white nightdress.

  Teddy drove us out of Spatula on the ‘All Other Destinations’ route that wound up the side of the hills. I wasn’t sure which restaurant we were going to, but I had no doubt it would be chic and elegant, the closest thing Spatula could get to a Michelin-starred joint.

  Oh, this was going to be wonderful. I’d always imagined myself holding forth wittily at a large, round table, while advising my dining companions on which wines would complement their meals and having one of my many admirers pick up the bill. And now, at last, I was about to enter into that world. I’d seen Pretty Woman, so the many types of cutlery held no terror for me.

  We turned off the main road and pulled into a parking lot in front of a large, squat, fake-stone building. I stared. A big banner announced ‘Ye Olde Worlde – Historic Figures, Epic Ribs, Legendary Fun’, and next to it an animatronic George Washington quaffed a tankard of ale with an astronaut and a gladiator. Another sign beneath read: ‘2nite Only – All U Can Eat 4 $10!!!!’

  The neon, the multiple exclamation marks and the plastic signs all suddenly added up. This wasn’t trendily ironic, this was just tacky! I glared in horror at Teddy. Had I misjudged him all this time? Was he as backward and lame as other boys my age? ‘How could you bring me here?’ I asked.

  ‘It’s my father’s favorite restaurant,’ Teddy sighed, as he wrenched my hands away from the seatbelt and helped me out of the car. ‘It’s English night tonight, he says the spotted dick reminds him of home.’

  We were met at the door by a man in a false beard, stovepipe hat and frock coat, who cleared his throat and announced: ‘Fourscore and seven months ago, Big Dirk the Innkeeper liberated us from high prices and poor quality food. We bid you welcome, strangers!’

  Teddy nodded at him with the gracious pity that so shone in his soul, and we pushed our way past the Lincoln-a-like, a Roosevelt struggling to balance a tray of drinks on his wheelchair, two Elvises and a Marilyn Monroe, who pouted and smiled at Teddy, the shameless hussy. I clasped his arm tighter to make sure everyone knew he was mine, and we entered the English room.

  The carpet here was tartan, pictures of Queen Victoria covered the walls, and the whole room reeked of fog, bad dentistry and quiet despair. Henry VIII attempted a booming laugh at our entrance, but choked midway through and stomped off, readjusting the pillow stuffed under his jerkin and checking the time on his wristwatch as he did so. I hadn’t seen this many anachronisms since Braveheart.

  In one corner of the room, Joseph, Jack and Bobbi Kelledy were already sitting at a table.

  ‘Bobbi, Jack, Father – you all know Heffa, my soulmate,’ Teddy introduced me, helping me into my chair and tucking my napkin into my sweatshirt.

  ‘Yeah, it’s not like you talk about anything else,’ Bobbi said, smiling at me in a way that managed to be both perky and maniacal, before returning her attention to some sort of rectangular, shiny piece of technology she was holding, tapping at it furiously.

  Beside her, Jack grinned shyly, and then continued to color in his placemat, tongue poking out the side of his mouth. I realized I’d never really spoken to Jack; in fact, I’d rarely seen him do anything but look constipated – all that red meat probably did do strange things to the bowels.

  ‘Please forgive my children,’ Joseph Kelledy said smoothly. ‘Jack’s sadly lacking in character. He’s failing the Academy, he can’t even master the “gormless but loyal sidekick” roles. And Bobbi never looks up from her next-generation cell (with Internet access and other such “apps” that has a snappy name I won’t mention for fear of the drama losing its timeless appeal).’

  I frowned. ‘What’s a cell?’ I asked, looking round nervously in case it suddenly turned out that we were in some sort of dungeon where Teddy and the others would have their evil way with me, despite my protestations. Which would, of course, be a terrible thing to happen.

  ‘A cell? A mobile phone you carry around with you?’ Bobbi explained, rolling her eyes.

  I had never heard of such a thing. How many times might conflict be resolved and a dangerous moment avoided if only I had one of those? I supposed if I did have one Stephfordy might really struggle to make the plot work, though, so perhaps best not.

  Joseph simply glared at his daughter. ‘Please would you put that unfiendish contraption away?’

  ‘But Da-ad, if I don’t keep refreshing Stawker, how will I know what’s going on?’ Bobbi whined. ‘Stawker’s the juiciest celebrity vampire gossip site in the whole blogosphere. Undead socialite Pierce Biltong always has the inside scoop on everything.’

  This all sounded most intriguing, surely here was a way to name-drop current Internet obsessions so I could sound relevant and trendy, but sadly we were interrupted by Jack, who looked up from the menu, brow wrinkled in concentration.

  ‘I … bin … a hamburger!’ he announced proudly.

  We sat in silence for a moment. The Kelledys were fascinating, beautiful, intelligent and endlessly sophisticated, just as I deserved. Well, Teddy was, anyway, and I was certain that between us we could iron out any little discrepancies with the others.

  At that moment, Joseph Kelledy leaned over and proved his gentlemanly credentials by murmuring softly, ‘So, Heffa, tell us about yourself.’

  Two courses later, I’d just about covered the highlights of my life so far and decided, as a gracious guest, that it was time to let them share the spotlight for a little while. ‘Being a vampire must be so cool. How did it happen to you, and when are you going to do it to me?’

  Joseph Kelledy rudely ignored the second part of the question and settled back into his seat. ‘Well I remember the dread day,’ he spake. ‘Henry VIII was on the throne. You could buy a slap-up meal for half a groat. Times were hard, but fair—’

  ‘Tell Heffa about me, Father!’ Bobbi interjected. Clearly Joseph was going to go on at some length otherwise; some people were such attention hogs.

  ‘Ah, yes, well, one day in 1927, I happened to be walking through a small town, late at night, after feasting on – I mean with – some succulent showgirls, when I saw this poor lost soul running towards the railroad tracks. In the distance, I could hear the chug of an oncoming train. I sped to her, and lucky I did, for at that moment she tripped and fell, stubbing her toe. It seemed like a mortal wound, so I had to do something.’

  ‘So he turned me into a vampire,’ Bobbi said cheerily. ‘Funny, really, I was only running because I was late for work.’

  ‘Teddy here was dying of pneumonia—’

  ‘I blew my nose at a bus stop,’ Teddy muttered into my ear.

  ‘And Jack had the Dreadful Poxulous Lurgy,’ Joseph finished.

  ‘Father, you know full well that doesn’t exist,’ Bobbi sighed.

  A waitress dressed as Queen Elizabeth I came to clear our plates and serve coffee. Joseph stared after her wistfully. ‘What that woman could do with a potato,’ he murmured. ‘I remember, one time, she and Raleigh and I—’

  I cleared my throat before he could embark upon any more dreary reminiscences. I wanted to preserve the notion that Teddy’s family were exemplars of virtue, despite all the weird things they’d cl
early got up to in the past. ‘So what you’re saying is, you murdered them and turned them all into vampires because you felt like it?’

  Joseph shrugged. ‘I gave up drinking blood in St Petersburg; I thought it was time for a change. I had to do something to occupy myself.’

  I gazed at him in admiration. ‘That is so awesomely selfish – I mean selfless – of you! And they didn’t mind? No, wait, why should they mind when you don’t have to drink blood or kill anyone, and you can go out in daylight and you live forever and there are basically zero drawbacks? Did I mention you can do it to me? You can totally do it to me too! And then Teddy and I can be together forever and ever like we’ve always wanted since last Friday.’

  Teddy looked sadly at me like a tortured hero, rather like the portrait of Byron behind him, in fact. Byron must totally have ripped off his style. ‘It’s not that simple. You see, we have to introduce some tenuous problem so we can spin out the will-they-won’t-they drama. Not all vampires are as restrained as we are with our only occasional urge to slaughter. And, in any case, we are all damned, cursed with membership of a dreaded culture.’

  ‘What, Eurotrash?’

  ‘No, Heffa – goths!’ I remembered the crowd that had accosted us, their pale make-up, terrible hair and grasping, lace-covered fingers, and shuddered. Teddy went on, ‘We were all goths. We have all lost our Eternal Cool, and are cursed to be petulant teenagers moping around for all eternity. That’s why we’re at the Academy. If we try really hard, maybe one day we can learn to grow up a little.’

  Suddenly, it all made sense. ‘So that’s why you go to school! It did seem a bit pointless. If I was a vampire, I totally wouldn’t bother studying, I’d just hang around and do what I liked.’

  ‘Oh, you can get into all sorts of trouble if you do that; people find it very suspicious, and send out child services,’ Joseph said.