New Moan Read online

  The front door closed and Chump came in. He looked like he’d been in a fight, with a black eye and disheveled clothing, but frankly that was his own affair. My thoughts were far too full of Teddy to spare any for him.

  ‘Oh, hi Dad!’ I said. ‘There’s a casserole on the stove and the game’s just about to start on TV. I’ve got trigonometry homework to do in my room, see you tomorrow, bye!’

  The part about homework was a total lie, of course; I had to go and stare out of the window and pine for my lover, but I was sure whatever Dad had to say to me couldn’t be that important.

  First, though, I fixed myself a Martini in the living room. A good gal like me ain’t meant to drink, but sometimes even the best of us bend. It had been a funny kinda day – and I don’t mean funny ha ha.

  I frowned. The mirror above the mantelpiece showed a Heffa I didn’t recognize, wearing dark red lipstick and a beret.

  I appeared to have a cigarette holder in one hand, and a bitter, fragile expression. If I didn’t know better, I’d say I’d gone – well, kind of femme fatale. Had Teddy bitten me without me noticing? Or—

  ‘DAD!’

  ‘Yes, darling?’ Chump asked nervously, as he threw his fedora on the sofa.

  ‘Did you start narrating? How dare you! This is my story! Mine, mine, MINE!’ I stamped my foot emphatically, and felt my authorial voice return. ‘No wonder the past couple of days went so fast – you stole an entire chapter, didn’t you? What the heck, Dad? I could have spent that time with Teddy!’

  ‘I’m sorry, Heff, it didn’t look like you were doing very much, is all …’

  ‘You want me to do things? Fine, I’ll start doing things! I’ll dive off a cliff, how would you like that?’ I took another deep breath to continue explaining, reasonably and at high volume, just how hurtful and inconsiderate Chump had been, when all the air rushed out of me as strong arms lifted me up. ‘… Teddy?’

  ‘No matter how far you fall, I shall catch you,’ Teddy swore passionately. ‘Also, you should endeavor to inhale and exhale, and calm down; the adrenaline cannot be good for you. What if you were to suffer a heart attack and I was not there to turn you into a vampire?’

  ‘I thought you were avoiding me?’

  ‘Er, yes, I was, but then I heard your voice calling out and I knew all at once I had to be by your side.’

  I gazed up at him – how caring and thoughtful he was!

  Chump interrupted. ‘Weren’t you hiding behind the kitchen door? I could have sworn I saw you there, when you said “ssh” and waved me away, remember?’

  ‘No, you must have been mistaken, sir,’ Teddy growled politely round his fangs, his eyes flashing red. I frowned at my father. He was already a dick in one sense of the word; did he have to be the other kind, too? ‘I was merely calling in on Heffa to ascertain her continued well-being.’

  ‘Is there anything I should know about?’ Chump asked in a jocular way he probably thought was fatherly or something, the poor sap, as if paying for my food and everything entitled him to know the first thing about my life. I shook my head sadly at him, and beckoned Teddy into my chamber.

  ‘Are you sure this is proper?’ Teddy asked nervously, as he peered around my room. ‘I thought there were some things girls considered sacrosanct.’

  I gazed in admiration at his rigid morality. ‘Teddy, you can enter my secret places anytime.’

  He crossed the room before I could take a breath and held my throat in a tight, tender grip. ‘I apologize for my earlier actions. I was afraid of the hold you had over me. But it is no use resisting; the narrative demands that I be entirely devoted to you, and it has overpowered the last of my fears of intimacy. I shall never leave you alone; I never want to be parted from you again, not even when you sleep, not when you shower, or go to the toilet, or—’

  ‘Whoa,’ I managed, once I’d unpeeled his firm hands from around my neck, ‘some ground rules apply. I’m not sure watching girls in the shower is endearing, all right? And neither is watching them sleep.’

  In a moment, my worry returned. Perhaps he was some sort of killer, secretly putting on women’s clothing and stabbing innocent young girls in showers. On the other hand … ‘Teddy, how do you feel about dressing up?’

  ‘I would be honored to accompany you to the end-of-year formal at the book’s climax,’ Teddy said, giving a small bow. ‘Actually, speaking of clothes, I brought you something to wear, I hope you like it.’

  He drew an unexpectedly white and fluffy outfit from the bag he was holding. I was surprised; I’d definitely assumed it would be on the black leather side, like a motorcycle jacket or something.

  ‘It is made out of the purest cotton wool, to keep you safe when I am unable to be by your side.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I said and lovingly kept the comment about the likelihood of the cotton wool surviving in Spatula’s inclement atmosphere to myself, though perhaps it would come in useful should we ever have an argument. ‘Wow, I’m really tired all of a sudden. I think I’m going to go to bed now, I’ll just slip out of these constricting clothes very, very slowly while writhing around a little and then—’

  ‘All right, my darling, I shall leave you in peace,’ Teddy said, earnestly. ‘Do not fear, though, for I will be back the minute you are abed, lurking nearby while you slumber.’

  And, with that, he slipped easily from the window and into the night. Something told me Teddy hadn’t entirely gotten over his intimacy issues, but I would just have to keep pounding away at him. Keeping that seductive image in my mind, I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

  *

  I blinked, and the sun was rising over the woods. I blinked again and the sun was setting. I blinked again … there was definitely something strange going on. All these fast cuts weren’t normal.

  ‘Heffa,’ Teddy said, suddenly appearing beside me. ‘Thank God I found you. We’re going to be late!’

  ‘Late for what?’ I asked, as he drew me into his arms and carried me down the path.

  ‘Late for your party, silly,’ he said with caring disdain, and drew back some overhanging ivy with a flourish.

  I surveyed the scene. There was nothing but a table with a bunch of dogs playing cards. Or something like dogs, anyway. I was a little disappointed, but then I realized – the eerie setting, the odd transitions, the surreal party guests – this was my first-ever dream sequence! How fascinating. I wondered what lessons and thematically relevant hints I was about to receive.

  Sadly, all that happened was that one of the dogs giggled at me, and turned his cards over. ‘Trumps,’ it barked. ‘Trumps, Heffa, listen, trumps!’

  ‘Okaay,’ I said. ‘Trumps, whatever, I’ll try really hard to remember that.’ I was a little concerned that it would entirely slip my mind until something happened to prompt a recollection, but at least the foundations for a sudden epiphany had been laid.

  The dog had something else to say. ‘By the way, we might not actually be dogs – take a look at the sky.’

  I looked up. A full moon wobbled into view as if someone was hoisting it on strings. This dream sequence had very low production values; I’d definitely be registering a complaint.

  Suddenly, the dog turned into Joe Cahontas. He announced triumphantly: ‘Hah, the queen of hearts is in my hand, I win.’

  I was holding Joe’s hand. We were facing a funfair mirror, and I saw Joe’s reflection grinning in a wolf-like fashion. Beside him, there was a small, gray elephant on a piece of rope. I wondered if my subconscious was telling me I really was fat after all.

  I heard a sinister hiss, and then Teddy was standing next to Joe, though his beautiful image cast no reflection in the twisted mirror. Teddy’s eyes were pure black, and his fangs glistened in the moonlight. Joe and Teddy stared at me hungrily. Then they went stiff: coiled and ready to feast.

  I tried to cry out, but the only sound I could make was an ugly trumpeting noise. I shielded my eyes with my trunk as my killers pounced …

  And then
I woke up, and it was all a dream. I was really getting good at this narrative conventions thing; my teachers would be so proud.

  ‘Teddy, you’re not going to believe the dream I had,’ I exclaimed, and was about to spend at least two paragraphs explaining it, just to make sure the significant bits weren’t lost on anyone, when the cold silence dawned on me. The room was empty. Teddy had not kept his promise to guard me while I slept. Life was no longer worth living. How had my moment of perfect happiness come to this? I pressed my hand to my heart and prepared for a world without joy.

  Then I saw the note on the pillow. ‘Gone to collect the car so I can drive you to school – also was getting a bit too tempted to rip your neck open and drain your blood … just kidding :)! Tidied up a bit for you. See you soon. Eternal brooding love, Teddy.’

  Huh, vampires used emoticons. That was surprising. He had carefully drawn fangs onto his smiley face, though, just in case I’d forgotten what he was in the last few hours. I looked around to see what he’d tidied, and couldn’t believe my eyes. The room was dusted, all my books were alphabetized, there was a large display of roses on the desk … this was awesome, just what every girl dreamed of – Teddy really was a new man! I wondered if I could get him to cook Chump’s dinners, too; I was getting tired of all the whole-hearted and ungrudging drudgery I was doing.

  I got up and showered – admiring the shining mirrors in the bathroom, the carefully folded towels, and the fresh fragrance of lilies hanging in the air. Then I went downstairs to get breakfast ready … only to find an omelet being kept warm in the oven. It was accompanied by another note from Teddy, reminding me to turn the gas off before eating, with a sweet drawing of a girl setting herself on fire by accident, just to make doubly sure I understood.

  This relationship thing was going to be so cool. I was particularly excited about the awesome news that I’d never need to get on the terrible bus ever again; transport to school was a good first step, and I was sure he’d be taking me all sorts of other places in no time. Also, it was a relief not to eat another frickin’ casserole; looked like Stephfordy had finally finished reading a recipe book.

  True to his word, Teddy was waiting outside the house as I finished breakfast. ‘I’m sorry I was not there when you awoke,’ he greeted me as I skipped down the path to his car. ‘I feared I was disturbing your rest. You kept asking me to give you something? Something harder? Perhaps you were dreaming about math.’

  He started driving, careful to remain at the recommended speed limit, in case going any faster caused the wind to bruise my delicate skin. I told him all about my dream, and then the conversation passed on to other matters; I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice it to say we had everything in common and all those things were unusual and really deep.

  Just before we got to school, Teddy turned to me to declare his love once more. ‘You’re the first person I’ve ever encountered whose adolescent petulance is matched only by their middle-aged sensibilities,’ he confessed. ‘I think I’d die if I lost you!’

  ‘You’ll never lose me,’ I promised. After all, he had insisted on giving me a bracelet with a GPS tracking chip only that morning.

  We pulled into the Academy parking lot and Teddy jumped out of the car, picking me up in his manly arms. I melted into his chest and ignored the funny looks other people were giving us. If my boyfriend wanted to spare me from the terrible dangers associated with walking, then surely that was entirely our own affair.

  Teddy reached into the car and pulled out a bullhorn. ‘Coming through,’ he announced into the milling crowd of students as we made our way to class. ‘Avaunt! Avaunt! Heffa Lump is in the building, make way for Heffa!’

  For a moment, I thought I was still dreaming – here I was, pressed against the perfection of Teddy Kelledy’s taut, tight body, and everyone in the world was moving out of the way for me. But this wasn’t some kind of teenage wish fulfillment; this was real. I was adored by the hottest guy in class, he was a superhero, and he was devoted to my every whim. This was almost unbelievable, but I planned to revel in every minute of it. If he could just get into a duel over my honor, my romantic vision would be complete, and I’d definitely beat Julian or whatever her name was in the heroine-for-all-ages stakes.

  Only too soon we were at the classroom door, and my heart sank. How was I supposed to focus on verisimilitude lessons when I could be thinking about the eternity of love Teddy and I would have together?

  ‘I’ll see you in an hour,’ Teddy swore. ‘Just a little hour, not too long.’

  ‘I’ll wait for you, darling—’

  Mr. Fallacy cleared his throat. ‘If you’ve quite finished?’

  ‘Look after my angel,’ Teddy instructed him sternly, ‘otherwise you will find yourself feeling strangely anemic, on account of not having any blood left. Oh, and Heffa is going to get an A for this class or I’ll have something to savagely murder, I mean say, about it.’

  Mr. Fallacy blinked, but stepped aside without comment. Here was yet another advantage to having a ferocious monster as my one true love; he could threaten all of my teachers into passing me! It might have been taking advantage of his too sweet, kind, generous nature, but I knew he would do anything for me, and I for him …

  For the rest of the morning, Teddy was waiting to accompany me from class to class, so it came as something of a shock when I was sent out of Gym early (it was hardly my fault that the shot puts were so slippery, and I was sure Rudy’s foot would be fine) and he was not there for me. I’d just started to trust that at last there was one person in all the world wholly committed to me, so it was a cruel disappointment. In a daze, I wandered mournfully, disconsolately and adverbially along the corridor.

  Someone was loitering by the door to the basement. ‘Pills? Powders? Wolfsbane? You want it, we got it,’ he muttered as I passed. ‘Wait – Heffa, right?’

  ‘Joe Cahontas,’ I said. He’d gotten taller and hairier again since I’d last seen him in the park, but he still had that puppyish, eager-to-please expression. He’d be the perfect person to distract me from my pain until Teddy showed up again. ‘How’s The Protection Racket going?’

  ‘Still racketing away,’ he said. ‘Hey, you look stressed, want something to calm you down?’

  ‘I’m not sure,’ I said. ‘It’s nothing illegal, is it?’

  ‘One hundred per cent herbal and natural. Trust me, it’s practically medicine.’

  I went down with him to the basement. He swiftly hid a stack of Wolf Whistle magazines behind the door, together with what looked like a Native American peace pipe with a bowl at the end. Interested in nature, anthropology, and keeping things tidy for me – he was such a thoughtful boy.

  ‘So, what are you guys working on?’ I asked. I didn’t particularly care, but I figured making conversation would help pass the time and ease the gaping wound of Teddy’s absence. Also, if I kept him talking, he might forget to make me pay for the herbal medicine, which looked a lot like a chocolate brownie to me anyway. I bit into it nonetheless, wanting to show willing.

  ‘Oh, not much. Just some top-secret lupine stuff I can’t talk about.’

  Joe looked a little shifty, I thought. It was worrying. I could only handle one strange and secretive man in my life; I’d earmarked Joe to provide an ironic counterpoint, and maybe also a fallback option in the unlikely event that Teddy ever mysteriously vanished.

  ‘Lupine stuff? Do you have lupus? Gee, my dad was right about you, you are all good-for-nothing, layabout, flea-bitten, mangy curs.’

  Joe looked alarmed. ‘Heffa, it’s a secret. I can’t tell you about what happens to us at the full moon, the rest of my pack would kill me.’

  ‘Full moon? What?’ I was really confused now. Joe scratched at the hairs on the palms of his hands and panted a little. Something about all this was starting to seem really familiar, but I wasn’t sure why.

  Joe leaned closer to me and whispered, ‘Come on – hair, full moon, pack, lupine, haven’t you read Ha
rry Potter? Sounds like … bear wolves?’

  It dawned on me in a rush, and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t figured it out before, when it was obvious to everyone who’d read the dream sequence earlier. ‘Oh Lord, you’re a werewolf!’

  It was so strange. Vampires and werewolves in Spatula? Surely after Van Helsing and Underworld people had learned their lesson about combining them: the result was always dire.

  ‘Oh, gee, Heffa, it’s no good, you’re too sharp, you’ve figured it out!’ Joe said with mock annoyance. ‘Seriously, I’m so glad you know,’ he went on more quietly. ‘I hated lying to you, not that I’ve ever spoken to you, but I’ve hated lying to you in my heart while staring at you across the canteen. You’re so lovely.’

  ‘Oh, Joe, you know we can never be more than friends,’ I sighed. ‘I have a far superior boyfriend, and frankly you’re just a bit too blue-collar for someone as special as me.’ It was so hard being instantly attractive. I had hoped Joe might have been an exception, someone who just treated me as a friend, or at least didn’t make it so pathetically obvious that I was the most exciting and interesting person who had ever spoken to him.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ Joe hastened to reassure me as he bit back manly tears of disappointment. ‘I have a stiffie – I mean a stiff upper lip – I mean I’m totally stoic. I’m fine just waiting around until you need someone to provide some exposition or listen to you bemoan your existence or rip someone to shreds.’

  ‘Aw, that’s so lovely of you.’ If he was happy to be a spare wheel for my love bicycle, who was I to argue? I’d just have to throw him the occasional bone – a bit of eyelash batting, some patting on the back, and, since he was a werewolf, maybe even some actual bones. Though from the look of him, he already had one stashed in his jeans for later.

  I was actually a little sad when the bell went for lunch. Joe was great to hang around with, and the white pills and brownies he’d given me were awesome. Natural remedies were brilliant. I didn’t feel tense at all now. In fact, I felt really relaxed, and the world was awesome too, and kind of covered in rainbows. Who needed possessions and rules and stuff like that? All I needed was love. Well, love, and maybe some money. The pills weren’t cheap.